Yesterday a friend from college posted pictures of a bunch of us. For some reason, seeing that picture immediately took me back to that time and I remembered how I used to feel about myself back then. I stared at the picture and my eyes began to swell up looking at the beautiful girl that has no idea just how beautiful she is. I studied the seating arrangement between me and the other girls. They are all gathered around smiling and posing for the picture and I am seated above them trying to kind of strike a pose but really just feeling out of place.
I remembered how I always felt out of place and like I never quite fit in anywhere. I looked at this young lady in the picture and thought about all the times she used to dream and wish that she was someone else. She didn't understand why her. She wanted to be thin and pretty. I remembered the times just wishing I could just die, I hated being ME.
This hatred for myself also shined its ugly head upon the world. I was miserable and very unhappy and the world knew it. I acted out because I didn't know what else to do with this anger. I was sad and depressed. Although I wore a smile on the outside, the inside was so unhappy and full of hate (for myself).
I used to look at my mother and think "wow, she's so pretty, so what happened to me". Here's the funny thing, I always knew I was cute and pretty but when your overweight you feel that everything about you is unattractive.
Years after graduating from college and having my son, I started a journey to find out how to love myself and deal with what I was born with. I knew I could lose the weight and already had lost a good amount of it. BUT that attitude was not going anywhere until I dealt with it, confronted it, and decided that I wanted to be a better person. The journey has not been easy as a matter of fact it has been downright hard.
I started by realizing that I am pretty (on the outside) but the inside is a MESS!!! And that no matter how pretty I am on the outside that it must come from within and that is when your TRUE beauty begins to shine. I started reading a lot. I read all of Iyanla Vanzant books and Maya Angelou. I decided that I wanted to be empowered within myself and I needed to fill my mind with that energy.
I am still on my journey and probably will until I leave this body. I align myself with positive people and those that I know truly care for me. My circle is small now but it's okay because I realize that
I don't need a lot of people. I just need people that love me and want to help me continue to be a better person.
No one asked that young lady in the picture how she felt, why was she so sad, or why was she so angry. As a matter of fact no one ever asked me those questions until GOD put someone in my life that truly loved me, wanted the best for me and from me and he asked those questions. You see, although I had started my journey before him, I had yet to really look deep within my life for the answers. I think I kind of thought that I just needed to focus on the now and try to change that part of my life. Well...if you ask GOD he will deliver. So for the first time in my life, I had to ponder over past pain and hurt and deal with some childhood issues. It hurt. It hurts now to write this BUT you have to confront issues and then forgive those that have hurt you and forgive yourself. Then you can begin your journey to a healthy you.
THANK YOU MR. HOLLINGS. For allowing GOD to use you to be the blessing I didn't know I needed.
If only that young girl knew then what she knows now!!!
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